ABOUT CROOKS WEST
TIME THIEF EXPOSED
Founded on the revolutionary principle that nobody has time for time-wasters anymore.
OUR MISSION
At Crooks West, we believe your time is precious. That's why we've streamlined the personal finance experience to eliminate the usual nonsense. No more endless paperwork, no more vague promises, no more corporate jargon that says everything and nothing at once.
We're here to revolutionize consumer finance by actually respecting your schedule. Revolutionary, we know.
OUR VALUES
KNOW YOUR ENEMY
A comprehensive field guide to identifying and protecting yourself from corporate time thieves.
CROOKS WEST
Founder & Chief Time Thief
Crooks West doesn't steal your treasure. He steals your time. One Slack meeting at a time, headset always on, ready to waste another hour.
He doesn't speak to be heard—he speaks to make you feel heard. He loves your ideas. He makes you feel smart. He's appreciative of your contributions. He thanks you profusely for going above and beyond.
Except he's not.
A former industry insider who spent decades perfecting the art of "Performance Appreciation," Crooks built his career on making people believe they mattered—right up until the moment they realized they'd wasted years on projects that went nowhere, meetings that accomplished nothing, and praise that meant even less.
Now? He's pulling back the curtain on the whole charade. Consider this your warning label.
IDENTIFICATION GUIDE
PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION:
Slender build, fit but unremarkable. Short ginger hair, slicked back. Always wears his headset—ready for the next Slack meeting at a moment's notice. Usually seen in a black Pingtree t-shirt with a vape pen in hand. The kind of person you'd walk past without noticing—until you realize they've stolen three hours of your day.
TYPICAL HABITAT:
Conference rooms (especially unnecessary ones), Slack calls (that could've been emails), "all-hands" meetings (where no hands actually matter), company retreats (where ideas go to die), and your inbox at inconvenient hours. Always has his headset on, perpetually "in a meeting."
WARNING SIGNS:
- Excessive use of phrases like "Let's circle back" and "Great point"
- Constantly starts sentences with "You know what, Branden?" (or insert your name here)
- Mid-call "epiphanies" that derail meetings: "Let me tell you something else..."
- Calendar mysteriously fills with 1-hour "syncs" that accomplish nothing
- Enthusiastic nodding followed by complete radio silence
- Every project becomes "strategic" and "high-priority" (translation: neither)
- Asks for your input, then does whatever they were already planning
KNOWN ALIASES:
"Thought Leader," "Strategic Visionary," "People-First Leader," "Change Agent," "Innovation Champion." All fancy titles for someone who talks endlessly and delivers nothing.
MODUS OPERANDI:
Makes you feel valued through performance appreciation while systematically wasting your time through endless meetings, abandoned initiatives, and false promises. The more he thanks you, the more suspicious you should be.
His legendary spontaneous mid-call epiphanies typically start with "You know what, Branden?" followed by "Let me tell you something else..." and end with you in three more meetings that accomplish nothing.
DANGER LEVEL:
EXTREME
Won't physically harm you, but will drain years from your life in 30-minute increments. Victims report loss of motivation, enthusiasm, and faith in corporate leadership.
Keeps everything running smoothly while maintaining our zero-tolerance policy for time-wasters.
Ensures our customers never have to sit through unnecessary hold music or automated menus.